These days, there’s a growing awareness of mental health - and rightly so. More and more, we’re recognising that looking after our mental wellbeing is just as essential as caring for our physical health. Yet despite this progress, hesitation still lingers when it comes to reaching out for professional support.
Thoughts like - “It’s not that bad,” “Other people have it worse,” “Everyone goes through this,” “I just need to tough it out,” “Maybe I’m overreacting,” or “I’ve managed on my own this long - I’ll be fine” are incredibly common.
The list goes on. Sometimes these thoughts feel practical. Sometimes they feel protective. Sometimes they’re just the only way we’ve learned to cope. Whatever form they take, they can be incredibly persuasive and quietly keep us from reaching out.
The Rise and Power of Self-Help
And to be fair, we live in a time when self-help is more accessible than ever - there’s a constant flow of podcasts, books, apps, reels and videos offering advice, tools and insights. As a counsellor and a mental health advocate, I find this genuinely encouraging. We’re talking about mental health more openly. The stigma is softening. Psychoeducation is widely available. That’s something to celebrate.
There’s also a kind of beautiful practicality to self-help. You can dip into it when you have a quiet moment or when things feel more intense. You can carry it with you, come back to it, reread the bits that stick. And the range of topics? Honestly, whatever you’re looking for - grief, trauma, ADHD, relationships, shame, you name it - there’s probably a podcast episode, a book, or an Instagram therapist talking about it. Of course, that much choice can also feel a bit dizzying. Which voice do you trust? Which perspective makes sense? What’s solid advice and what’s just noise? Those aren’t always easy questions to answer. But that’s a conversation for another time.
The Validation and Limitations of Self-Help
What’s clear is that for many people, self-help is the first window into what’s going on beneath the surface. It offers language for the stuff that’s felt confusing or heavy. It can explain why your brain spirals at night, or why your body tenses without warning, or what strategies might help. And beyond the insight, there’s something else self-help can offer - something deeply human. When you come across a passage or hear someone share an experience that mirrors your own, it can feel like someone has reached into the fog and said, “Me too.” That moment of recognition? It matters.
There are so many ways self-help can support someone, depending on what they need in that particular moment. I won’t list them all, you probably already know the ones that work for you. The point is - it’s valid. And it can be a meaningful, powerful, part of how we care for ourselves.
Sometimes it’s more than enough. But what about the moments when it isn’t? That’s where it becomes a little more nuanced. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed at self-help. It might just mean you’ve gone as far as it can take you - and that’s okay. Maybe it’s simply time for a new tool that self-help can’t offer - and that’s valid, too .
The Honest Question: Why Would I Need Therapy?
You might ask yourself, “With so much available at my fingertips, why would I need therapy?” It’s a fair and honest question.
I often hear people say, “I’ve managed this long.” And yes - you have. That word, “manage,” carries a lot. Managed not to drown? Managed to just about stay afloat? Managed using strategies that are starting to crack around the edges? Managed to be okay, but never quite well? Or Managed to thrive? What does “managing” really look like for you? I appreciate that just reading these questions and trying to assess your “manage” might feel deeply uncomfortable or even scary.
And more importantly - would you want more than just managing? Would you be open to working toward something deeper, steadier, more fulfilling? That’s where therapy can be incredibly beneficial - and often life-changing, she said, smiling slightly. But hey, I’ll admit it: I’m a big advocate
Therapy offers that and something more, something different
So, how do you know when self-help might not be quite enough? When is it time to think about reaching for something more structured, more supported?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer here, but a good starting point is to check in with yourself honestly. That doesn’t mean diagnosing or labelling anything - just tuning in. Getting curious.
Signs It Might Be Time to Seek Therapy
Here are a few things worth considering:
- Do you feel stuck in your head? Is it loud in there?
- Does your relationships feel strained, confusing or painful?
Maybe conflict keeps flaring up. Or you pull away before people get too close. Or you’re constantly anxious about how others perceive you.- You find yourself replaying the same issues in different relationships
- You’re not sure what a healthy connection is supposed to feel like.
- Intimacy feels uncomfortable, or distance feels safer.
- You often feel “too much” or “not enough” in close relationships.
- Boundaries feel confusing (either too rigid or too porous).
- Is there old stuff that never settled? Or are those wounds hurt louder and more intensely?
A trauma. Maybe you wouldn’t have called it trauma - a past experience, memory, or season of life that still echoes in the present. - but something in you hasn’t quite moved on. - Do things feel unsafe - or out of control?
Whether it’s intrusive thoughts, urges to escape, or behaviours that feel risky, substance use or relationship with food that’s getting harder to control - this is one of those times where reaching out isn’t optional. Please choose and prioritise you - Do you feel alone in it?
Even if you’re surrounded by people, you feel like no one really gets it - or maybe you’ve learned to keep the deeper stuff hidden. - Are you constantly managing - but never quite resting?
You hold it together, keep things ticking, show up. But there’s a sense of running on fumes. And maybe, deep down, you’re wondering if there’s more than just coping. - Maybe you’re doing all the “right” things, but it’s not shifting?
You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, done the breathing, the journaling, the affirmations… and still, something feels off. - Maybe you feel disconnected from life, yourself and others?
You tried to seem alright, getting on with the day but inside you feel shutdown and not living life, wanting to feel happy like everyone else but not knowing how.
- How deep does it go and how long has it been there?
If things have felt heavy for a long time - the mood dips, the anxiety, the numbness, the emotional exhaustion. Maybe it’s become your “normal.” But if it’s been there for weeks or months (years?), not just days, it’s worth paying attention to. If it’s not just passing through but setting up camp, that’s a sign. Even if you’ve learned to function around it and no longer want to just function. Or perhaps strategies that help to function around are crumbling under pressure, no longer doing what they used to?- Are you looping or being stuck?
Sometimes self-help gets us to a point of insight, but we end up stuck in the same patterns anyway. You know the “why” behind your behaviour, you’ve read the books, listened to the podcast, maybe even journaled about it - but still find yourself reacting in ways you wish you didn’t.
- Are you looping or being stuck?
Reaching Your Limits - and Reaching Out
Essentially if you feel you reached your limits with self-help, still feel like you’re circling the same storm and need more. It’s a beautiful place to look at stuff you have learned, acknowledge how it helped and what you want to keep and continue using. Acknowledge that you’ve done everything you can with the tools you had and now it might be time for new ones- and someone to walk alongside you while you learn how to use them. Therapy is just that or can be just that!
So what is therapy, really?
It’s not advice-giving.
It’s not someone sitting across from you with a clipboard, analysing your every word.
It’s not about being “fixed,” because you’re not broken. Just come as you are.
At its core, therapy is a relationship.
Not in the conventional sense - but in the way it offers something steady and human. It’s two people meeting in a relational space, “walking” and exploring together - only led by you. It’s about building something rooted in safety, trust and care. Even if that feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable right now, that’s okay. This is step by step, session by session at your pace.
Yes, I know I’ve said that already - but it is worth repeating. At your pace. Led by you.
It’s a space where you’re not just learning about healing - you’re actively engaging in it.
A place to be seen, supported, and gently challenged. To go beyond just coping and move toward something fuller, steadier, more whole.
You don’t have to filter, perform, “mask,” or hold back. Though let’s be honest - that in itself can take time to get used to. It is alright if you have to continue to do so to protect yourself until you feel safe enough. And in some ways, that might even be part of the work. You might not yet know what your unmasked self looks or feels like. That’s okay, too.
It’s also a space where you can bring the questions, the doubt, the ache, the confusion - and still be met with presence and compassion.
And over time, that space, held by the therapeutic relationship becomes part of the healing, growing and change.
Why Healing in Relationship Matters
So many of the things we struggle with - shame, fear, people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-doubt don’t form in isolation. They form in relationships and experiences. Often through ones where we were hurt, neglected, misunderstood, “not fully seen or held”. And it makes sense that healing, too, might happen in the context of a journey held by a relationship. One that doesn’t ask you to adapt, shrink, stretch - or change, or be fixed.
Just show up - and be willing to be met right where you are.
Or, at the very least, be open to tolerating the possibility of that.
It’s a place where you’re met (welcomed), not judged.
A space to explore what’s been weighing on you, gently begin to lay it down to find your way, your healing, your journey
And if you’re wondering whether it might be time - maybe that wondering is already your answer?
About the Author
